10 years ago, to this day, I was at the Hull Hospital for my last chemo treatment and ready to remove that itchy darn pick-line from my arm.
10 years ago, to this day, I was leaving the hospital to start a new life, because I had the amazing blessing to be alive. I was fully aware of how lucky I was, but I was not sure yet how it would translate into my life.
Since then, I have had the distinct impression that I have lived a hundred lives. It’s almost the case, actually, because since then I have had my share of challenges, of doubts, and I ended up having to make a bunch of leaps of faith, in order to connect with what makes me happy, with what makes me… me.
Those leaps of faith, I often had to make them filled with sheer terror. Too often, I would almost stop myself because I was afraid of judgement, I was afraid of not knowing where this scary path would lead me, I was worried about the fact that I wanted so much more from life, that I wanted to live an amazing, magical life, and who was I to ask for that, really? I was afraid my hopes would fall flat, that after jumping, I would fall flat on my face, with nothing ahead of me. I was afraid all the time. But I knew I was on the path, because what was behind me was not good enough. Because that extra piece of life I was lucky to have was not supposed to be grey. It was supposed to be freaking luminous.
Jumping even when I was freaking scared gave me loads of courage along the way. I started to think about how I had done something similar in the past, how I had survived it, how I got stronger and smarter, and how I could probably jump off of that new cliff, knowing that somehow, I would be just fine.
Today, when I look at my old self, the before chemo Marie, it’s almost as if it’s not really me. It makes me realize how I have changed, but more importantly, how I was able to face those changes to get there. I am proud of how I was able to reinvent myself to become who I was really meant to BE. When life was pushing me in an other direction than the one I had anticipated, I had to learn to let go of the wheel, so I could be divinely guided towards the best outcome. It was a difficult learning curve but it was worth it.
But let me be clear: I don’t consider myself to be superhuman and I am well aware of my flaws. This blurb is not about “Look how great I think I am” (but btw, I do think I’m great, and I tell myself all the time. I think you should do the same. Enough with that trend of putting ourselves down; we should be our biggest fan, for God’s sakes). My goal is to inspire the ones thinking that they don’t have what it takes to follow their dreams.
After all that evolution, fully aware of my imperfections, I can say this: everybody has it in them to change direction, to redefine themselves, to completely change the path if need be, without worrying about what we will do with those useless diplomas, despite the naysayers in our entourage, but most of all, despite the tsunami of responsibilities we all carry on our shoulders.
If you are unhappy, do something about it. Whether its to dump that toxic relationship, change the job, sell the crap you don’t need, be open to new ways of doing things; whatever works for you. But don’t miss that awesome life that could be yours. You deserve better than a half life, only lived on the weekends. And please, please, don’t wait for an illness or a depression to make the changes required. If you can avoid suffering before finally choosing to live, do it.
And really people, If I was able to choose my best luminous life, despite cancer, miscarriages, lively twins (urg!), a third rowdy kid in the mix and a burn-out, you can too.
You deserve to live your absolute best life. Make the jump. It’s gonna be awesome.